Today my prayer is that you see God's awesome power at work as we glance back over the last few years, into this story that makes my family. Let me start off by saying that I’ve never written anything before, and it’s true, I really did cry my way through Composition One in college. I think I even had a boyfriend write a paper or two for me. That being said I give God all the glory. The only reason that I started this project, was for Blake. I wanted him to have a true account of what really happened, something for him to read and for us to be able to talk about when he got old enough to understand it all. I never intended on sharing this with anyone other than family, but it grew and became a creature all on it’s own. Something now that I’m proud to share with you.
Our journey to adoption started after several failed attempts with fertility treatments. Donald and I wanted to become parents but had been unsuccessful at conceiving for several years. Throughout our humbling and costly experience with infertility, we had discussed adoption but didn't feel like the time was quite right. We were also uncomfortable with the expense and possibly the travel to foreign land. So we prayed for direction.
Eventually a family friend that had adopted a beautiful little girl from Kazakhstan heard about our plight. Wanting to adopt again she ask me to attend an adoption seminar with her. I was reluctant but she peeked my interest just enough, or maybe it was just finally the right time. I went, and it was very informative, I came home with literally a bag full of brochures, tapes, pins and magnets. I was beginning to realize why adoption was so expensive; the literature alone could have broken the bank. One agency in particular continued to resurface; Safe Havens of Konerstone is a Christian non-profit foster/adoption agency out of Arlington, TX. Kornerstone works directly with Child Protective Services, to remove at risk children and place them in safe environments. Donald and I discussed our options prayed some more and eventually we decided to call. We felt led to go this route instead of a traditional adoption mainly for monetary reasons, but we also felt a strong connection to the children in our own area. We soon knew this was going to become more than a life changing experience. Not to mention a soul-searching experience that taught us more about each other and really made us examine what we truly wanted.
I'll never forget it, they wanted to interview us. One of the founders of Kornerstone came to our house. We cleaned the house for days before that meeting. I guess I thought they would bring their white gloves or something. What we've come to realize through out this process is a lot of people come to your home before an adoption can take place. This particular day however, the one question that I remember is, and I quote "How did you become Christians?" I remember smiling and thinking to myself, this feels very right. We answered their questions and scheduled the class to begin the state required hours needed to become foster/adoptive parents. So in March of 2004 we started the classes that took four consecutive Saturdays 9:00am to 5:00pm.
We were so anxious to start the classes as soon as possible, and then after completion, we did nothing. It was March then August then November still, we did nothing. I don’t know what we were waiting on, a baby to knock on our door perhaps. I think we were afraid, mostly of the unknown. We wanted so badly to be in the center of Gods will, and we didn’t want to mess things up. Were we reading Gods signals right? Maybe we were just being selfish? At the time I was doing a Beth Moore bible study called Believing God. My girlfriends were so encouraging quoting the Nike slogan they would say “just do it” if it’s not right God won’t let it happen.” The fear of the unknown and the doubting I've learned was the devil, fear is his favorite weapon. That fear was preventing us from loving the child God had chosen for us. Finally, we decided to "Just do it" and we were off. So here we go with back ground checks, cabinet locks, CPR classes, outlet covers, proof of insurance, locking up meds, pet vaccinations, gun safes, fire escape plans, and health inspections. You may think you know how to baby proof a house, just wait until you baby proof for the state. Now then, we're finally ready for the family developer, yes, dare I say it, come to the house for the grueling six hour home study (we have a revolving door by now). This is where we get to tell our life stories, rest assured no stone had been left unturned. Let me just say, they know our blood type and whether or not we are a boxer or briefs kind of family. Finally, it's all done, we are licensed as of the 24th day of February 2005. One month under a year's time from completing the original classes, we didn't break any speed record that’s for sure!
Now for the fun part the waiting and yes more praying. I was praying for an infant, a healthy unborn baby. I prayed for the birth mom to make wise and healthy choices. I prayed believing God, believing he had a baby chosen, one he hand picked out especially for us, an infant growing inside of a womb. It's weird being an adoptive mom in waiting, you wonder just like any expectant mother, what will they look like? What color eyes or hair will they have? Will they be compassionate and reserve like their dad? Or will they be lively and not so quiet like me? Will they be a boy or a girl? Lord, what kind of child have you chosen for me? God's word say's in Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I shaped you in the womb I knew all about you." How wonderful it is to know that the Lord had a child in mind that would be a perfect match for us all.
So how this all works, it goes down something like this. We wait on a phone call describing a child. Donald and I decide if this child sounds like a good match with our family? If so, we say yes, then our name goes into a hopper of sorts with all the other families that thought they were a good match. We wait and we pray and hopefully we're chosen. It had only been two weeks when we got the first phone call, it was a sibling group a little sister and her baby brother. Skylar and Seth, the names even sounded cheek pinch'en cute. We said yes, then we waited, anxiously we waited and waited. This time God had different plans for us, he was letting us save our energy, and we were going to need it.
On March 10th, 2005 two beautiful little brothers came from another foster home to live with us. Tim almost 3 years old yet going on 7, and his 10 month old baby brother Jim. Needless to say our parenting skills were put to the ultimate test. Our world was totally rocked. Donald and I quickly learned the tag team technique. Tim was nuts about trains and he knew where every train track was from here to Weatherford. I think he could sniff them out, if we ever came across tracks and there were no trains in sight he would shout out "NO TRAIN". We still think of Tim when we hear a train today. Jim was the sweetest little baby he was so easy going, he loved buttons, mostly cell phones buttons, like most 10 month olds he was just happy hanging out. Tim and Jim stayed with us a mere 55 days, but to us new parents, it seemed like a lifetime. We got word on a Wednesday evening that the boys would be leaving the very next morning. They were going to live with their Papa whom they loved very, very much. But they would miss the lifetime we were planning together and the birthday parties we were planning. A Shrek party on that very Saturday for Tim and Jim's 1st birthday was the next Wednesday. But worst of all, the holiday that any childless woman hates most, Sunday was going to be Mothers day. So back to Wednesday, I've come down with a bug of sorts. Chills, fever, nausea, I was bed ridden. It was the strangest sickness something I've never felt or have had since. So both sets of parents Donald's and mine came to play with the boys, help pack them up, and say their farewell goodbyes. Meanwhile I'm sick in bed with my family working like a little colony of ants all around me, packing the boys up, and preparing them for the day ahead. Every now and then Tim would sneak into my room and say, "Mommy I'm sorry you don't feel good." As if my heart could even take anymore, I'd muster a smile and say "I love you and I'm going to miss you." He was very excited about going to live with his Papa, and moving yet again was no big deal to this little seasoned pro.
So because it was Mother's Day weekend and the fact that we were just very sad we decided to take a little trip to Glen Rose to get away and clear our heads. I remember the drive it was so quiet. All of a sudden we were alone, only with our dogs just like it used to be. I wondered if we still wanted the same things. The boys had drained our souls so much that I didn't know if we were even on the same page anymore. On the sunny road out of town we decided through limited conversation, that we should wait a while before attempting to foster again and really search our selves and be certain of what we truly wanted. The drive was beautiful it felt as if we were ten thousand miles away. It was just what we needed. We waded in the Brazos River and hiked the dinosaur trail. We found each other again, back on that same familiar page that had become so comfortable before kids. We came to terms with God and realized that we wanted what God wanted, we were at peace with the boys leaving and almost just like that our hurting hearts were better. In Jeremiah 29:11, the Lord says, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That verse continues to give us as much comfort today as it did that weekend. On our drive home, out of the blue I said to Donald, "I don't want to wait any longer!" With a turn of his head, looking down his nose at me, he said smiling, "I don't either!" We were ready, we were now on God's timing and he was finally ready for us to become parents.
That very next morning a baby boy was born. The birth mothers mind was a complete wreck, she was unable to care for him and her own family was not an option. So three days later, straight from the hospital, he came home to live with us. We believe the way we received him is a miracle and it shows how Gods timing is completely perfect. God is a composer conducting a beautiful symphony, and only when every note was played with perfect timing (His timing) that's when it works. Monday after we returned home from our soul searching, reconnecting weekend I noticed the washing machine was full of Tim and Jim's clothing. Something I most likely would have noticed had I been feeling up to par when they left. We called cps and they informed us they would send someone out within the week. On Wednesday morning a social worker arrived to retrieve the boys clothes. Before she left I casually mentioned and I quote "If you happen to run across a little boy that needs a good home, you keep us in mind." We went on about our day as usual not really thinking much about the comment I made. Around noon, the phone rang the social worker was calling to ask if we were serious and told us that she had an infant boy that needed to leave the hospital that day. Donald and I hung up the phone stunned we couldn't believe it, this was just what we were wanting. I leapt off the couch and fell straight to my knees in front of my husband as he set in his leather recliner and we begin to pray. Our prayer was very simple. We prayed for this unnamed baby boy, for this infant to be placed in the home the Lord had chosen. That if this was the child the Lord had hand picked out especially for us then let it be. We prayed for God's wonderful grace to give us peace if this was not our child. We were in the midst of our very own symphony and we didn‘t even know it. You see the boys had to leave, I had to be sick and leave the clothes in the washer so the social worker could come to the house that day. We had to come to terms with God's plan. Then and only then would His symphony play. Blake arrived at our house that very evening. He was the littlest thing I had ever seen weighing in at 5 lbs. and 13 oz. His biological grandmother had named him just before he was taken away. We love the name Blake and it sounds great with Beard don't you think? But he wasn't a Beard yet, he was a foster child, a ward of the state that we were given permission to love and take care of. We had a long road ahead of us but we were up for the task.
The next few weeks were awesome, we fell right into rhythm. The midnight feedings 3 and 4 times a night were even bearable, we took turns of course just like any good mommy and daddy. We were tired but we felt as if it was all so worth it. The day after Blake arrived I realized that I had never taken care of such a tiny little infant before and I made a comment to my mom about it. She said "That's because the mommy always takes care of the baby when they are this little." We smiled at each other realizing at the same time just exactly what she saying, and then she said it. "You ARE the mommy!" It was a full circle moment for us both.
This time our experience felt different than with the boys. It's hard to explain, it just felt right. From the beginning we started claiming Blake as our own son. You see when Blake arrived at our house that day he was an answered prayer and we chose to believe God from that moment on. We even had family portraits made, much to the shock of some. We also heard the discouraging comments like "but he's not really yours". We like to look at it from different angle. We we’re the ones chosen and we were going to love him like he was ours and every day after that we’re going to keep on loving him until we heard otherwise. In the book A Treasury of Adoption Miracles by Karen Kingsbury she writes, “None of our kids really belong to us. If God puts a child in our lives, in our homes, then that child is our own for as long as God desires.” She goes on to say, ”They’re all on loan when you think about it. His to give, his to take, on loan for a season-however long or brief.” I say, foster parents have to unconditionally love the children in their home, if not, they're going to resent everything about that child and their duty as foster parents. We even had our agency tell us to guard our hearts and prepare our minds for the loss of Blake. We still chose to pray believing God and we would deal with our hearts later if need be.
By now Blake’s visitation had started. We drove him every Wednesday morning to Weatherford CPS office so he could see his Biological Mom and Grandma for one hour. We asked CPS to keep us informed if anything changed with his case. One day they told us that they had the names of two men that could be possible fathers and that DNA testing would be needed and that both fathers had an interest in keeping Blake as their own. They also informed us that the biological mother's half brother and his life partner may want to take Blake to raise as their son. Once again we chose to pray believing God. We also enlisted some mighty prayer warriors to pray for us. Meanwhile bio-mom was working the state requirements to get Blake back. Such as parenting classes and anger management classes and never missing a visitation. Due to our schedule at the time Donald and I were able to go to visitation together, we were trying to show a united front. We would set out in the lobby and read or write in Blake's journal, we would talk a little and pray a lot. During the beginning I was very closed off to the bio-family, not sharing anything at all about Blake or his progress. I guess deep inside I felt as if they didn't deserve to know how good he was doing or how close we were getting. One day I finally realized that I should start opening up to them and try to build a report. Suddenly I started unloading, bringing them pictures and telling them stores. It almost became something I looked forward to, I was so proud of Blake and of how we were parenting him, I was anxious to share how happy we all were as a family.
November came and Blake was six months old when we had the first DNA test done. It may sound strange, but I contemplated taking another baby to the test site so the test wouldn't match, they wouldn’t know what Blake looked like. How would the nurse know it wasn’t him? What could I do to make the test not match? Wait a minute, was I losing it? I’ve never had criminal thoughts like this before. Is this how a mother feels when she’s losing a child. I was reminded of Genesis, when Rebekah covers Jacob’s hands with goatskin to fake Isaac into believing it was Esau and in doing so changing their birthright. Taking God's promise into her own hands. I didn’t want to be like Rebekah that day and way down deep I still believed God. The first alleged father wanted the DNA results as soon as possible so he could hopefully take custody before Christmas.
Throughout this process I kept friends, family and even most of my clients informed as to what was happening with Blake's case. I would share many times merely for the support that I would get in return. Many were eager to pray with us and sometimes they would just listen. Occasionally, however someone would ask, "But what if Blake goes to live with...?" Not being able to finish their sentence, I would gently shake my head while holding up my finger as if to say "no, no" then I’d say , "that's NOT believing!" By this time our prayer warriors were working some serious overtime and Blake was even on several national prayer lists.
We were at visitation in early December the day we got the DNA test results back. They called us into an office and told us the test was negative, it wasn’t a match! YES! Donald and I smiled and squeezed each other's hands we were praising the Lord silently. We were so happy we could fly. Then suddenly, we were gut punched back to earth as they went on to say, “Since the DNA test didn’t match there was no reason why Blake couldn’t go live permanently with his biological uncle, since he was related and all.” I was so confused one moment I was flying high and the next minute I was not hearing things straight, did I misunderstand, the DNA didn’t match, right! That was a good thing. But then why was our son leaving? I just sat there stunned in disbelief, Donald had to help me understand. He was quick to get it, not me, I wasn’t getting it at all. Donald drove us straight from the CPS office to our church. I was crying the whole way. We met with our Pastor and he counseled with us and reminded us that Christmas was the season of miracles and for us not to give up, to keep our faith strong and to keep praying. Pastor Ron told us not to forget that Jesus was born of a virgin, and that God still performed miracles today just like he did 2000 years ago. I'm ashamed to admit this but that was the first time I got it. I mean I knew Mary was a virgin but I never really thought about it, it was just something I'd heard my whole life. Until that day I had never felt the miracles that surrounded Jesus' birth.
The next day our agency called with some "very" exciting news, we could hire an attorney to fight for our cause. Donald and I both listened intently as they explained that they weren’t advising us to do so but we could fight for emotional attachment. They also said it could cost upwards of twenty thousand dollars. In my mind I’m thinking okay we’ll do it, we’ll do anything at this point, we’ll have bake sells and we’ll sell stuff on E-bay and we'll open up a bank account where people can make anonymous donations. Our families will help and our church will help. We can do it! Okay that’s it. That’s what were going to do, it’s settled! So we hung up the phone, and my husband, (he’s my brain when my mommy brain takes over and my real brain is not working properly) he says to me. “Why do we need to hire an attorney? We have the mightiest warrior fighting for us! If Jesus is on our side how can we lose? Right!” I looked at him like, whose side are you on anyway and what did you do with my husband? Then I got it. "You're right!" We called them back and told them we were going to trust God. We believed that even if Blake goes away to live with them, that someday he would still come back to us. I would say, “he may be 15 months old or 15 years old but we’re gonna get him back.” God's word really helped us out during these rough times. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” That helped me stay focused in believing and keeping my faith strong! I clung to that verse believing God's promise.
That month of December was going by so fast, and we wanted to spend every moment together. Just the three of us were out to dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant and I noticed a couple about our same age eating with a small child of a different nationality. I whispered to Donald to look at them and I said, “I bet that child is adopted.” He nodded in their direction and through a mouthful of enchiladas he said, "yep!” Donald later noticed the back of that man’s shirt had the verse Mark 9:23 on it, and it said: “Everything is possible for him who believes.” I don't think that they were there by accident that night, we needed to see that and the timing was perfect. That verse is now our family motto and it is even painted on the wall in my salon. God even uses comfy tee shirts and Mexican food, two of my favorite things.
Miracles are still performed today; it was the week before Christmas when we got a phone call from CPS. The uncle wanted to met with us, he and his partner wanted to know what kind of people we were and if we would make good parents. They wanted to back out of the deal, but they wanted to meet with us first. CPS told us to enjoy our Christmas holiday and that we could schedule a meeting for the 28th day of December. Oh, my gosh I could breath again that boulder had been lifted off my chest and I could finally breathe again. It was the best news I’d heard since the day he came to live with us. It was a miracle and we couldn’t wait to share it with everyone. God’s timing is so beautiful! His symphony is still playing on. We had our baby boy for Christmas and it was great! I think back on that time, Donald and I were in a daze almost not believing it at all at the time. Christmas really would not have been Christmas without Blake.
We had come so far but we still have little further to go. We had another DNA test to do yet. This time, alleged dad number 2 was in jail, he had a 20-year criminal history as his job title. I didn’t have any thoughts of switching out babies this time around, praise God. I guess I figured that if the good Lord had brought us this far, we wouldn’t be stop’in here, not for this jailbird that's for sure. That’s not to say we would stop praying, no way! I even overheard the states attorney say she prayed for the DNA not to match on this case. I didn’t know that lawyers prayed, did you? Apparently they do, and God answers their prayers too because the DNA was no match this time ether. I’ve never seen a prisoner up close and personal like I did that day, black and white stripes just like you see in the movies and ankle shackles that I can still hear rattling in that old historic wooden courtroom. I really thought my heart would pound out of my chest at the time. Amazingly enough my sweet little angel baby lay sleeping in my arms through the whole ordeal.
Later as I was thinking back on that day in court, I realized that hopefully Blake hasn’t been aware of a lot of the turmoil that has surrounded him in his short little life. I think we’ve surrounded him with enough people that love him that he’ll never have a clue. I know with prayer we’ll do our best at giving him a firm Christian foundation. He will have this story and a journal I am keeping for him with all the really juicy details. As for now we just pray every day to be Godley parents and that he will grow up to be a fine Christian man.
All biological parental rights were terminated on July 27, and we got to adopt our beautiful boy permanently on September 26, 2006. The courtroom was full of family and friends, it was a glorious day. Blake somehow knew the day was all about him and he was in rare form, hamming it up for everyone. The legal documents state that he is our son.....just as if he were born to us. How cool is that!
Donald and I want to foster again if possible. Hopefully over time we’ll get to foster many children in our home. Not knowing at the time what God had in store for us, we were grieving at the thought of never having a child of our own, we are now thankful that we were unable to conceive. In fact we feel certain that this is our purpose. Odds are we would have never chosen this route for our lives, but fostering has turned out to be a passion that now, we both share and this journey with Blake has been more awesome than we could have ever imagined.
Side note, posted 07-29-09:
March 16th 2007 at 11:00 at night and 2 days before our 7 year anniversary we got the honor of accepting another little boy into our lives. We'll call him "E" to protect his identity. He was 10 weeks old and very sick. He came to us from a children's home that was being investigated for child abuse. E had no broken bones but, had a very serious case of pnemonia that required breathing treatments every 4 hours. E came to us very dirty, with super greasy hair and black "stuff" under his finger and toenails. His hair was dark auburn brown and he had the prettiest brown eyes that just longed for affection! He had what the professionals called "stiff baby syndrome" from the lack of being held. I later overheard the cps workers refer to him as "surfboard baby". E lived with us for one year and then, much to our sorrow, went to live with his bio-family. We were, to say the least heartbroken! We loved him so much and he had become a huge part of our family. We will always love him and miss him desperately. Just this week I encountered a one year old boy with big brown eyes and silky blonde hair.....the color E's turned out to be. He moved me to tears with the thought and memory of E. Our prayer when he left us was that he bonded with his new family as if he never knew us. I'm happy to share with you that when he left, he had NO symptoms of illness and he loved to snuggle often embracing us on his own. It was a joy to have E with us for that year and it confirms that no matter how much it hurt when he left we will do it all again! In fact, we are currently in the process of being reinstated as foster parents. We have all the classes to do over again, however we are certain that it will be worth it!
Our journey to adoption started after several failed attempts with fertility treatments. Donald and I wanted to become parents but had been unsuccessful at conceiving for several years. Throughout our humbling and costly experience with infertility, we had discussed adoption but didn't feel like the time was quite right. We were also uncomfortable with the expense and possibly the travel to foreign land. So we prayed for direction.
Eventually a family friend that had adopted a beautiful little girl from Kazakhstan heard about our plight. Wanting to adopt again she ask me to attend an adoption seminar with her. I was reluctant but she peeked my interest just enough, or maybe it was just finally the right time. I went, and it was very informative, I came home with literally a bag full of brochures, tapes, pins and magnets. I was beginning to realize why adoption was so expensive; the literature alone could have broken the bank. One agency in particular continued to resurface; Safe Havens of Konerstone is a Christian non-profit foster/adoption agency out of Arlington, TX. Kornerstone works directly with Child Protective Services, to remove at risk children and place them in safe environments. Donald and I discussed our options prayed some more and eventually we decided to call. We felt led to go this route instead of a traditional adoption mainly for monetary reasons, but we also felt a strong connection to the children in our own area. We soon knew this was going to become more than a life changing experience. Not to mention a soul-searching experience that taught us more about each other and really made us examine what we truly wanted.
I'll never forget it, they wanted to interview us. One of the founders of Kornerstone came to our house. We cleaned the house for days before that meeting. I guess I thought they would bring their white gloves or something. What we've come to realize through out this process is a lot of people come to your home before an adoption can take place. This particular day however, the one question that I remember is, and I quote "How did you become Christians?" I remember smiling and thinking to myself, this feels very right. We answered their questions and scheduled the class to begin the state required hours needed to become foster/adoptive parents. So in March of 2004 we started the classes that took four consecutive Saturdays 9:00am to 5:00pm.
We were so anxious to start the classes as soon as possible, and then after completion, we did nothing. It was March then August then November still, we did nothing. I don’t know what we were waiting on, a baby to knock on our door perhaps. I think we were afraid, mostly of the unknown. We wanted so badly to be in the center of Gods will, and we didn’t want to mess things up. Were we reading Gods signals right? Maybe we were just being selfish? At the time I was doing a Beth Moore bible study called Believing God. My girlfriends were so encouraging quoting the Nike slogan they would say “just do it” if it’s not right God won’t let it happen.” The fear of the unknown and the doubting I've learned was the devil, fear is his favorite weapon. That fear was preventing us from loving the child God had chosen for us. Finally, we decided to "Just do it" and we were off. So here we go with back ground checks, cabinet locks, CPR classes, outlet covers, proof of insurance, locking up meds, pet vaccinations, gun safes, fire escape plans, and health inspections. You may think you know how to baby proof a house, just wait until you baby proof for the state. Now then, we're finally ready for the family developer, yes, dare I say it, come to the house for the grueling six hour home study (we have a revolving door by now). This is where we get to tell our life stories, rest assured no stone had been left unturned. Let me just say, they know our blood type and whether or not we are a boxer or briefs kind of family. Finally, it's all done, we are licensed as of the 24th day of February 2005. One month under a year's time from completing the original classes, we didn't break any speed record that’s for sure!
Now for the fun part the waiting and yes more praying. I was praying for an infant, a healthy unborn baby. I prayed for the birth mom to make wise and healthy choices. I prayed believing God, believing he had a baby chosen, one he hand picked out especially for us, an infant growing inside of a womb. It's weird being an adoptive mom in waiting, you wonder just like any expectant mother, what will they look like? What color eyes or hair will they have? Will they be compassionate and reserve like their dad? Or will they be lively and not so quiet like me? Will they be a boy or a girl? Lord, what kind of child have you chosen for me? God's word say's in Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I shaped you in the womb I knew all about you." How wonderful it is to know that the Lord had a child in mind that would be a perfect match for us all.
So how this all works, it goes down something like this. We wait on a phone call describing a child. Donald and I decide if this child sounds like a good match with our family? If so, we say yes, then our name goes into a hopper of sorts with all the other families that thought they were a good match. We wait and we pray and hopefully we're chosen. It had only been two weeks when we got the first phone call, it was a sibling group a little sister and her baby brother. Skylar and Seth, the names even sounded cheek pinch'en cute. We said yes, then we waited, anxiously we waited and waited. This time God had different plans for us, he was letting us save our energy, and we were going to need it.
On March 10th, 2005 two beautiful little brothers came from another foster home to live with us. Tim almost 3 years old yet going on 7, and his 10 month old baby brother Jim. Needless to say our parenting skills were put to the ultimate test. Our world was totally rocked. Donald and I quickly learned the tag team technique. Tim was nuts about trains and he knew where every train track was from here to Weatherford. I think he could sniff them out, if we ever came across tracks and there were no trains in sight he would shout out "NO TRAIN". We still think of Tim when we hear a train today. Jim was the sweetest little baby he was so easy going, he loved buttons, mostly cell phones buttons, like most 10 month olds he was just happy hanging out. Tim and Jim stayed with us a mere 55 days, but to us new parents, it seemed like a lifetime. We got word on a Wednesday evening that the boys would be leaving the very next morning. They were going to live with their Papa whom they loved very, very much. But they would miss the lifetime we were planning together and the birthday parties we were planning. A Shrek party on that very Saturday for Tim and Jim's 1st birthday was the next Wednesday. But worst of all, the holiday that any childless woman hates most, Sunday was going to be Mothers day. So back to Wednesday, I've come down with a bug of sorts. Chills, fever, nausea, I was bed ridden. It was the strangest sickness something I've never felt or have had since. So both sets of parents Donald's and mine came to play with the boys, help pack them up, and say their farewell goodbyes. Meanwhile I'm sick in bed with my family working like a little colony of ants all around me, packing the boys up, and preparing them for the day ahead. Every now and then Tim would sneak into my room and say, "Mommy I'm sorry you don't feel good." As if my heart could even take anymore, I'd muster a smile and say "I love you and I'm going to miss you." He was very excited about going to live with his Papa, and moving yet again was no big deal to this little seasoned pro.
So because it was Mother's Day weekend and the fact that we were just very sad we decided to take a little trip to Glen Rose to get away and clear our heads. I remember the drive it was so quiet. All of a sudden we were alone, only with our dogs just like it used to be. I wondered if we still wanted the same things. The boys had drained our souls so much that I didn't know if we were even on the same page anymore. On the sunny road out of town we decided through limited conversation, that we should wait a while before attempting to foster again and really search our selves and be certain of what we truly wanted. The drive was beautiful it felt as if we were ten thousand miles away. It was just what we needed. We waded in the Brazos River and hiked the dinosaur trail. We found each other again, back on that same familiar page that had become so comfortable before kids. We came to terms with God and realized that we wanted what God wanted, we were at peace with the boys leaving and almost just like that our hurting hearts were better. In Jeremiah 29:11, the Lord says, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That verse continues to give us as much comfort today as it did that weekend. On our drive home, out of the blue I said to Donald, "I don't want to wait any longer!" With a turn of his head, looking down his nose at me, he said smiling, "I don't either!" We were ready, we were now on God's timing and he was finally ready for us to become parents.
That very next morning a baby boy was born. The birth mothers mind was a complete wreck, she was unable to care for him and her own family was not an option. So three days later, straight from the hospital, he came home to live with us. We believe the way we received him is a miracle and it shows how Gods timing is completely perfect. God is a composer conducting a beautiful symphony, and only when every note was played with perfect timing (His timing) that's when it works. Monday after we returned home from our soul searching, reconnecting weekend I noticed the washing machine was full of Tim and Jim's clothing. Something I most likely would have noticed had I been feeling up to par when they left. We called cps and they informed us they would send someone out within the week. On Wednesday morning a social worker arrived to retrieve the boys clothes. Before she left I casually mentioned and I quote "If you happen to run across a little boy that needs a good home, you keep us in mind." We went on about our day as usual not really thinking much about the comment I made. Around noon, the phone rang the social worker was calling to ask if we were serious and told us that she had an infant boy that needed to leave the hospital that day. Donald and I hung up the phone stunned we couldn't believe it, this was just what we were wanting. I leapt off the couch and fell straight to my knees in front of my husband as he set in his leather recliner and we begin to pray. Our prayer was very simple. We prayed for this unnamed baby boy, for this infant to be placed in the home the Lord had chosen. That if this was the child the Lord had hand picked out especially for us then let it be. We prayed for God's wonderful grace to give us peace if this was not our child. We were in the midst of our very own symphony and we didn‘t even know it. You see the boys had to leave, I had to be sick and leave the clothes in the washer so the social worker could come to the house that day. We had to come to terms with God's plan. Then and only then would His symphony play. Blake arrived at our house that very evening. He was the littlest thing I had ever seen weighing in at 5 lbs. and 13 oz. His biological grandmother had named him just before he was taken away. We love the name Blake and it sounds great with Beard don't you think? But he wasn't a Beard yet, he was a foster child, a ward of the state that we were given permission to love and take care of. We had a long road ahead of us but we were up for the task.
The next few weeks were awesome, we fell right into rhythm. The midnight feedings 3 and 4 times a night were even bearable, we took turns of course just like any good mommy and daddy. We were tired but we felt as if it was all so worth it. The day after Blake arrived I realized that I had never taken care of such a tiny little infant before and I made a comment to my mom about it. She said "That's because the mommy always takes care of the baby when they are this little." We smiled at each other realizing at the same time just exactly what she saying, and then she said it. "You ARE the mommy!" It was a full circle moment for us both.
This time our experience felt different than with the boys. It's hard to explain, it just felt right. From the beginning we started claiming Blake as our own son. You see when Blake arrived at our house that day he was an answered prayer and we chose to believe God from that moment on. We even had family portraits made, much to the shock of some. We also heard the discouraging comments like "but he's not really yours". We like to look at it from different angle. We we’re the ones chosen and we were going to love him like he was ours and every day after that we’re going to keep on loving him until we heard otherwise. In the book A Treasury of Adoption Miracles by Karen Kingsbury she writes, “None of our kids really belong to us. If God puts a child in our lives, in our homes, then that child is our own for as long as God desires.” She goes on to say, ”They’re all on loan when you think about it. His to give, his to take, on loan for a season-however long or brief.” I say, foster parents have to unconditionally love the children in their home, if not, they're going to resent everything about that child and their duty as foster parents. We even had our agency tell us to guard our hearts and prepare our minds for the loss of Blake. We still chose to pray believing God and we would deal with our hearts later if need be.
By now Blake’s visitation had started. We drove him every Wednesday morning to Weatherford CPS office so he could see his Biological Mom and Grandma for one hour. We asked CPS to keep us informed if anything changed with his case. One day they told us that they had the names of two men that could be possible fathers and that DNA testing would be needed and that both fathers had an interest in keeping Blake as their own. They also informed us that the biological mother's half brother and his life partner may want to take Blake to raise as their son. Once again we chose to pray believing God. We also enlisted some mighty prayer warriors to pray for us. Meanwhile bio-mom was working the state requirements to get Blake back. Such as parenting classes and anger management classes and never missing a visitation. Due to our schedule at the time Donald and I were able to go to visitation together, we were trying to show a united front. We would set out in the lobby and read or write in Blake's journal, we would talk a little and pray a lot. During the beginning I was very closed off to the bio-family, not sharing anything at all about Blake or his progress. I guess deep inside I felt as if they didn't deserve to know how good he was doing or how close we were getting. One day I finally realized that I should start opening up to them and try to build a report. Suddenly I started unloading, bringing them pictures and telling them stores. It almost became something I looked forward to, I was so proud of Blake and of how we were parenting him, I was anxious to share how happy we all were as a family.
November came and Blake was six months old when we had the first DNA test done. It may sound strange, but I contemplated taking another baby to the test site so the test wouldn't match, they wouldn’t know what Blake looked like. How would the nurse know it wasn’t him? What could I do to make the test not match? Wait a minute, was I losing it? I’ve never had criminal thoughts like this before. Is this how a mother feels when she’s losing a child. I was reminded of Genesis, when Rebekah covers Jacob’s hands with goatskin to fake Isaac into believing it was Esau and in doing so changing their birthright. Taking God's promise into her own hands. I didn’t want to be like Rebekah that day and way down deep I still believed God. The first alleged father wanted the DNA results as soon as possible so he could hopefully take custody before Christmas.
Throughout this process I kept friends, family and even most of my clients informed as to what was happening with Blake's case. I would share many times merely for the support that I would get in return. Many were eager to pray with us and sometimes they would just listen. Occasionally, however someone would ask, "But what if Blake goes to live with...?" Not being able to finish their sentence, I would gently shake my head while holding up my finger as if to say "no, no" then I’d say , "that's NOT believing!" By this time our prayer warriors were working some serious overtime and Blake was even on several national prayer lists.
We were at visitation in early December the day we got the DNA test results back. They called us into an office and told us the test was negative, it wasn’t a match! YES! Donald and I smiled and squeezed each other's hands we were praising the Lord silently. We were so happy we could fly. Then suddenly, we were gut punched back to earth as they went on to say, “Since the DNA test didn’t match there was no reason why Blake couldn’t go live permanently with his biological uncle, since he was related and all.” I was so confused one moment I was flying high and the next minute I was not hearing things straight, did I misunderstand, the DNA didn’t match, right! That was a good thing. But then why was our son leaving? I just sat there stunned in disbelief, Donald had to help me understand. He was quick to get it, not me, I wasn’t getting it at all. Donald drove us straight from the CPS office to our church. I was crying the whole way. We met with our Pastor and he counseled with us and reminded us that Christmas was the season of miracles and for us not to give up, to keep our faith strong and to keep praying. Pastor Ron told us not to forget that Jesus was born of a virgin, and that God still performed miracles today just like he did 2000 years ago. I'm ashamed to admit this but that was the first time I got it. I mean I knew Mary was a virgin but I never really thought about it, it was just something I'd heard my whole life. Until that day I had never felt the miracles that surrounded Jesus' birth.
The next day our agency called with some "very" exciting news, we could hire an attorney to fight for our cause. Donald and I both listened intently as they explained that they weren’t advising us to do so but we could fight for emotional attachment. They also said it could cost upwards of twenty thousand dollars. In my mind I’m thinking okay we’ll do it, we’ll do anything at this point, we’ll have bake sells and we’ll sell stuff on E-bay and we'll open up a bank account where people can make anonymous donations. Our families will help and our church will help. We can do it! Okay that’s it. That’s what were going to do, it’s settled! So we hung up the phone, and my husband, (he’s my brain when my mommy brain takes over and my real brain is not working properly) he says to me. “Why do we need to hire an attorney? We have the mightiest warrior fighting for us! If Jesus is on our side how can we lose? Right!” I looked at him like, whose side are you on anyway and what did you do with my husband? Then I got it. "You're right!" We called them back and told them we were going to trust God. We believed that even if Blake goes away to live with them, that someday he would still come back to us. I would say, “he may be 15 months old or 15 years old but we’re gonna get him back.” God's word really helped us out during these rough times. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” That helped me stay focused in believing and keeping my faith strong! I clung to that verse believing God's promise.
That month of December was going by so fast, and we wanted to spend every moment together. Just the three of us were out to dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant and I noticed a couple about our same age eating with a small child of a different nationality. I whispered to Donald to look at them and I said, “I bet that child is adopted.” He nodded in their direction and through a mouthful of enchiladas he said, "yep!” Donald later noticed the back of that man’s shirt had the verse Mark 9:23 on it, and it said: “Everything is possible for him who believes.” I don't think that they were there by accident that night, we needed to see that and the timing was perfect. That verse is now our family motto and it is even painted on the wall in my salon. God even uses comfy tee shirts and Mexican food, two of my favorite things.
Miracles are still performed today; it was the week before Christmas when we got a phone call from CPS. The uncle wanted to met with us, he and his partner wanted to know what kind of people we were and if we would make good parents. They wanted to back out of the deal, but they wanted to meet with us first. CPS told us to enjoy our Christmas holiday and that we could schedule a meeting for the 28th day of December. Oh, my gosh I could breath again that boulder had been lifted off my chest and I could finally breathe again. It was the best news I’d heard since the day he came to live with us. It was a miracle and we couldn’t wait to share it with everyone. God’s timing is so beautiful! His symphony is still playing on. We had our baby boy for Christmas and it was great! I think back on that time, Donald and I were in a daze almost not believing it at all at the time. Christmas really would not have been Christmas without Blake.
We had come so far but we still have little further to go. We had another DNA test to do yet. This time, alleged dad number 2 was in jail, he had a 20-year criminal history as his job title. I didn’t have any thoughts of switching out babies this time around, praise God. I guess I figured that if the good Lord had brought us this far, we wouldn’t be stop’in here, not for this jailbird that's for sure. That’s not to say we would stop praying, no way! I even overheard the states attorney say she prayed for the DNA not to match on this case. I didn’t know that lawyers prayed, did you? Apparently they do, and God answers their prayers too because the DNA was no match this time ether. I’ve never seen a prisoner up close and personal like I did that day, black and white stripes just like you see in the movies and ankle shackles that I can still hear rattling in that old historic wooden courtroom. I really thought my heart would pound out of my chest at the time. Amazingly enough my sweet little angel baby lay sleeping in my arms through the whole ordeal.
Later as I was thinking back on that day in court, I realized that hopefully Blake hasn’t been aware of a lot of the turmoil that has surrounded him in his short little life. I think we’ve surrounded him with enough people that love him that he’ll never have a clue. I know with prayer we’ll do our best at giving him a firm Christian foundation. He will have this story and a journal I am keeping for him with all the really juicy details. As for now we just pray every day to be Godley parents and that he will grow up to be a fine Christian man.
All biological parental rights were terminated on July 27, and we got to adopt our beautiful boy permanently on September 26, 2006. The courtroom was full of family and friends, it was a glorious day. Blake somehow knew the day was all about him and he was in rare form, hamming it up for everyone. The legal documents state that he is our son.....just as if he were born to us. How cool is that!
Donald and I want to foster again if possible. Hopefully over time we’ll get to foster many children in our home. Not knowing at the time what God had in store for us, we were grieving at the thought of never having a child of our own, we are now thankful that we were unable to conceive. In fact we feel certain that this is our purpose. Odds are we would have never chosen this route for our lives, but fostering has turned out to be a passion that now, we both share and this journey with Blake has been more awesome than we could have ever imagined.
Side note, posted 07-29-09:
March 16th 2007 at 11:00 at night and 2 days before our 7 year anniversary we got the honor of accepting another little boy into our lives. We'll call him "E" to protect his identity. He was 10 weeks old and very sick. He came to us from a children's home that was being investigated for child abuse. E had no broken bones but, had a very serious case of pnemonia that required breathing treatments every 4 hours. E came to us very dirty, with super greasy hair and black "stuff" under his finger and toenails. His hair was dark auburn brown and he had the prettiest brown eyes that just longed for affection! He had what the professionals called "stiff baby syndrome" from the lack of being held. I later overheard the cps workers refer to him as "surfboard baby". E lived with us for one year and then, much to our sorrow, went to live with his bio-family. We were, to say the least heartbroken! We loved him so much and he had become a huge part of our family. We will always love him and miss him desperately. Just this week I encountered a one year old boy with big brown eyes and silky blonde hair.....the color E's turned out to be. He moved me to tears with the thought and memory of E. Our prayer when he left us was that he bonded with his new family as if he never knew us. I'm happy to share with you that when he left, he had NO symptoms of illness and he loved to snuggle often embracing us on his own. It was a joy to have E with us for that year and it confirms that no matter how much it hurt when he left we will do it all again! In fact, we are currently in the process of being reinstated as foster parents. We have all the classes to do over again, however we are certain that it will be worth it!
